Unfortunately, so many women (and men) have to deal with exes who want to incite mini wars when it’s time to share custody over the holidays. I don’t have those problems because my kid’s dad stopped being a dad almost 13 years ago. But, that’s another post. Today’s post is to help you find your zen, cumbaya, “don’t go ham on a knee grow” happy place. And you know what? You can still enjoy the holiday! 🙂
My 5 tips to help you enjoy the holidays
1. Understand they’re mad that they left you and can’t articulate it
This is soooo true believe it or not. The newness of that new relationship they left you for is gone, and he is realizing the good woman he had is gone forever (Cue Andre 3000 foreva eva). It’s a classic case of “the grass was greener on the other side.” Don’t glory in it. Just say thank you that it’s not you. In fact, thank Ms. Hussy for showing you what you really had and he the “male hussy” for releasing you to find a good love all your own.
Now, this may sound like some deep mumbo jumbo, but yes men regret their choices and have feelings, too. When you can’t for the life of you figure out why he’s mad at you and making up drama? Bingo! He wants you back on some level or is regretting his inability to man up and run a family. It’s cool. Wish him well with his new boo and you keep it moving. No time for wishy-washy.
2. Some folks need to be petty and manipulative, so, ignore it and enjoy the holiday!
Some exes always have the fake drama just to engage you going on. It’s all he’s got. Again, not your problem. Ignore the foolishness and smile. As long as he loves his kids, provides for them, and you’re certain the kids are safe around him, ignore the drama. I’ve seen it range from blowing up over a comment, to fussing about left clothing, to bringing up old stuff. In my head, I’m thinking “You know we don’t go together anymore. right?” Ignore, smile, keep the peace and get ready for your mommy break to enjoy the holiday. I know you want them to stay with you, but let’s look at the bright side. You get to have … a break. Not “lonely solitude, counting the floor tiles, and watching Lifetime” alone time. No! Time to really make some things count and do for you.
Again, this is not about me, but I would love to have known what that felt like as a new single mom. I didn’t have a long period of parenting. So, honey, enjoy this. This is good!
3. Plan a self-care routine that you can enjoy this holiday while the kids are gone.
I know you would much rather eat fudge and cry that your babies aren’t home for Christmas and that your perfect family is no more … but, wake up!! Take what you have and make it work. Take a nice long soak, pamper you, get cute, and go visit others. Yes, get up, get out, and live! What do you need to do for you? Figure it out and make it happen. Single parenting and dealing with an ex can be exhausting but take this time to recoup. Don’t say that loud because some exes figure that out and stop helping (mine did). Oh, I’m not bitter. I’m trying to get you to see how this thing is a win for you if you will just use it. Is it working?
Cheer up mama with a nice long soak. Cook your fave treats and enjoy the holiday with other folks you love. DO NOT bore them with how much you miss your babies. Okay, you can tell 3 people ONCE and then you have to be a big girl and enjoy your life. We discussed this (many of us do not and did not ever have a break). You’re winning!
4. Plan your New Years resolutions.
I mean really take the alone time and use it to goal set. This is that quiet time you’ve been wanting but never got all year. Get organized so you can really crush the coming year. I mean really be ready to go after your dreams. This is the perfect time to organize around the house a bit, set a new routine that you’ll introduce to the kids when they return, and even plot you next move career-wise. Let this be a great time of the year to prepare for what you say you want. Take advantage mama.
5. Expect there’s something good to enjoy after this holiday
Whether you just broke up with your ex, got divorced ten years ago, or are somewhere in between, expect your life to get better and you to grow stronger. It’s not so bad having to share custody knowing they’ll be right back home after the holiday. You could always have your Christmas early or after with your children and that’s up to you. But live mama! Live! There will be good after this. He’s a crazy, hormonal, jerk at the moment, but people change. Don’t put your energy into what is going wrong right now. Instead, direct it toward what is going right and what you want.
6. Create a vision board.
If you’re not dating, you will love it again. Take time to focus on you and what that will look like. Journaling, creating affirmations, going on a few dates, will encourage you that not all men are like him and will remind you of just how beautiful and awesome you are, So, expect good and push toward the life you want event if someone is trying to ruin your holiday. Not gonna happen!
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I hope this article has blessed you to have a happy holiday. Remember, you can’t control the other person. You can only control you, so don’t let his jerky attitude aka attempt to control you and deflect his pain stop you from enjoying your life. Yes, today’s post was a little deep, but this is the work we all have to do to move on and truly have a happy life. If people refuse to deal with their stuff, you get an ex who’s a jerk. That’s okay. Let him wallow in it. Skip, whistle, and prance on by as you drop the kids off or he picks them up and heads on out to visit friends, drink a nice warm latte in peace and plot your amazing excellent future. You can do this! Rise up! Do It Anyway!
Kaywanda Lamb is an author, speaker, and The Single Mom Coach. She’s devoted to encouraging, educating, and equipping single moms to parent better, date better, and chase their dreams. She’s done it and spends her time away from education training the next generation of moms to thrive. She’s written the 12 step guide to single parenting. Check it out here.
